I likes to do me big shop of a Fursday so I've gorn to the ole in the wall and drew out a fiver last night. I ken get me shoppin and still ave some left over for a cuppa frothy coffee in Tarbucks yer see.
I goes dahn Tescoses early like, to beat the rush, when I notices that there's a bit of a blag goin on. Tescoses security mush 'as legged it and there's this geezer what's got a sawn-orf running dahn the line of cashiers givin' it it all "Put the money in the bag and nobody'll get 'urt".
I was a Desert Ret end I weren't gonna stand for all thet old malarkey so I schleps up behind the geezer end gets me arm round 'is neck - but he's broke free ain't he?
"You're gonna be sorry you done that you old git", he says. "I don't fink so sahn", I say, end then before he knows what's 'it 'im, I've kicked 'im in the nadgers proper 'ard and he's dropped like a sacka spuds. Then the security matey's shown up again, after all the 'ard work's done, and we've 'eld the geezer until the Lawr shows ahp.
The Menager's well chuffed and wants me ter talk ter the papers but I ain't interested. I 'ave to get up the Fevvers to meet wif Reen as we're getting the plans for the wedding sorted.
Naih I'm a simple bloke end don't want a fuss but Reen's decided she wants the works for this weddin'. So she's want us ter look into gettin' a Cinderella Coach and orses to take 'er to the church. Gawd knows what that'll cost but I bet it won't be cheap. I reckon it'll see orf most of me savings but Reen's wurf it. She's a right smasher.
She's been married free times previous end the most recent was to a minor Bollywood actor, Sanjeev Singh. When we went dahn our local curry 'ouse, The Bombay Mahal, Reen was tret like Royalty and thet surprised me 'cos I'd no idea she mixed in celebrity circles. She's dead modest. Mind I'll 'ave a lot to live up to naih. Raj, the owner, is insistin' thet we 'old our reception there and 'e's offered OAP rates so we're finking abhet it.
Reen's Cinderella Coach & orses what she's seen on the Internet.
We're thinking of eskin' my mate, Bert, ter be best mehn and maybe Mrs Dukes, the widda woman from across my lhendin, to be Matron of Honour. Reen ain't too sure abhet thet though; she knows thet I had me eye on Mrs Dukes until recently. Matter of fact Bert and me come ter blows over it though but it's all sorted naih. 'E's gonna deny anyfing 'appened if the Lawr tries ter do me for ABH. 'E's a true mucker Bert is, a right diamond. But you know what they say - the course of true love never runs smoove.
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