The Big Day

We’ve jast come back from our ‘oneymoon in Fungrola in Spain end what a coupla weeks it’s been what wif the wedding and everyfing. If you’ve been following me on the Tooter yer know abhet some of it already. But ‘ere’s the full fing, blow by blow any’ow.

We’d lined up this toffee-nosed git called Godfrey ter be our weddin’ planner, though what we wanted one of them for I’ll never know. ‘Owever Reen was insistent so we’ve ad one. ‘E didn’t come cheap eever as I expect an office ahp West don’t pay fer itself.

‘E’s lined us up wif a Cinderella Coach & ‘orses, a boy soprano trio, a bleedn’ fing of flowers fer Reen ter carry what’s cost four ‘undred knicker and a Grent Mitchell off of Eastenders, looky-likey meeter-greeter for all the guests.

I was wearing an all-white suit like thet Peter Andreas end Reen ‘ad a fairy princess dress like thet Jordan. She said we boaf looked lavverly but I finks we looked stoopid really, but when I said so ter Reen she gave me one of them looks.

Any’ow all thet lot was gonner cost abhet five grend, but more of thet later.

So the big day arrives and the first problem is thet I’ve slept in like. I’d ‘ad few shants the night before ter steady me nerves end I musta ‘ad a few too many. Any’ow I ‘ears Bert, me best mehn, bangin’ on me door like and we’ve only got ready and up the church with a few minutes ter spare before Reen’s due ter fetch ahp in the Cinderella coach.

We needn’t ‘ave rushed so much cos the bleedin’ coach ‘as ‘ad an ‘itch ain’t it? One of the wheels ‘as jammed up and the bloke what’s driving it’s ‘ad to squirt some gunk on it and some of it’s splashed onter Reen’s Princess outfit, end when she’s finally arrived she’s got a big fackin’ brahn smudge on it and a look on ‘er boat what would curdle milk.

Fr O’Shea’s done the business all right end thet bit’s went smoove like; no ‘itches. Only bit of the day what’s went good. Shame we couldn’t say for them little soprano gits. According ter Godfrey they ‘ad audition for thet Simon Cowell end they were the dog’s swingers. So they pipes ahp Pie Jesu jast arter the vows, and suddenly one of their voices breaks and ‘e starts soundin’ like thet Paul Robson singin’ a bleedin’ Negro spiritual. It all went ter pieces and they was asked ter shat ahp.

So then me and Reen’s got back out inter the Cinderella coach to be taken to the Bombay Mahal where the ‘oneymoon was being held. Reen used ter be married ter Sanjeev, a Bollywood actor, before ‘e died, so she’s got connections there. The Bombay Mahal’s run by Raj, one of ‘is uncles or sammink. We lav a curry end Raj was offerin’ a great deal so we couldn’t say no.

Any’ow we’re on our way ahp the ‘igh road and the fackin’ coach-wheel ‘as jammed again. This time matey’s not been able ter fix it so we’ve ‘ad ter abandon it and get a proper cab he rest of the way.

We get there and the Grent Mitchell lookey-likey’s there meetin’ end greetin’ the guests end’ ‘e’s gahin dahn a bomb. E’ looks the part end everybody finks ‘e’s the biz.

But ‘arter a while, cos I fink people’s been buyin’ ‘im one or two too many scotches, ‘e’s started to get a bit lairy. ‘E’s givin’it all “When we was in Afghanisten lookin’ deff in the eye” end “Yer don’t ‘ave time ter fink when the enemy’s comin’ atcha” Well I was a Desert Ret end I done me bit end seen real action and I know thet he ain’t, so I’ve told ‘im ter turn it dahn or’ e’d ave ter leave.

Well ‘e’s packed it in fer a while but all the time ‘e’s getting more kale-eyed. Next fing, ‘e’s started smackin’ a few of the guests so thet was it. I’ve went over ter I’m end grabbed ‘im by the nadgers and told I’m ter eff orf sharpish. ‘E was gonner kick orf so in the end I’ve stack the nut on ‘im and thet was thet. There weren’t no more trouble outta ‘im.

Rest of the day went OK but I weren’t ‘appy wif thet Godfrey and he noo it. There were no way ‘e was gonner get five K outta me, but when I went ter tell ‘im e’d done a runner end we ain’t ‘eard from ‘im since.

Any’ow then at the end of the day Reen and me’s forgot that we’re wed end we’ve went ‘ome to our own flets. We did laugh the next day when we realised it.